Unloved, in London
I am extremely frustrated and feel that no one understands me. My life feels like a dry cracker. It lacks the richness, color, texture, beauty, and passion I used to envision possible for my life. Instead I maintain duty, development of character but without any of the joys of life. I feel trapped in a mud-pit, or a concrete skeleton of a building. I feel flat, bored, uninspired, and chained to a life of consequences by my prior mistakes.
I cannot imagine a way out. My future is chained to obligation, routine, with little room for self-expression, passion, even love…
Love. Of this I have grown to know nothing of. Only the brokenness or distance associated with it.
Blessings. Of these I know only limited amounts - concentration camp rations.
I cannot feel things I used to. I cannot believe with any depth the way I used to.
I have no way of knowing how to connect or find fulfillment with anyone.
I watch as others grow in love and blessings with family and God. I envy them. I wonder what horrible kind of person I must be to not have deserved those things. I must have too many problems, make too many mistakes, think wrong, act wrong, feel wrong, be wrong. And so my life becomes about correction. As long as I can breathe, I am on a continual journey to overcome myself. Always short of healthy enough to have intimate relationships or enjoy the material blessings that give possibility for adventure – the things that excite or inspire me.
It’s like being benched. For the entire season. Every season. Reduced to watching everyone else enjoy the spoils of their hard work. While you attend every training session only to find each opportunity for expression of your talents and gifts, passions and interests, is reserved for someone else.
I begin to wane. As a person. No longer clear on who or what I am. Or what I want. Marred by outbursts of anger and fits of rage, trying to calm down and get back on track. But back on track for what?
Back to being chained. To this life that has no semblance of the person I thought I’d be.
Written by someone whose desperation to find fulfillment from (with) someone else led her to extreme depression and anxiety.
Prescription medication, alcohol, illegal drugs. Any mind altering substance that takes away the need to care. The desire not to feel. Numbing the loneliness inside. 24 hours per day reduced to fleeting moments of unwanted clarity mixed with sleep and space.
Where did she come from? how did she become like this?
Parents played a role or rather didn't. Absent without care or attention. Neglected and lacking moral guidance she filled the void in self destructive behavior. Attention seeking that becomes too much attention when forced to confront her actions she runs and hides.
She is a work in progress to recovery. Needing love and tough love. Guidance from an authority figure in her life. She has the help she needs.
Do you struggle with life and living? Every day for her is a step to recovery. No need to worry for her. You need to worry about you...